5 Subtle Relationship Deal Breakers
That type of relationship.
The relationship that drains the life from you, the spark you once had for life; the relationship where a verbal backhanded insult would immediately follow one nice comment.
Jennifer was hurt and confused. What was going on? Why was she feeling so desolate and beaten down? Then one day she searched online to see if others endured this ‘confusing’ type of love that smothered her daily. Sure enough, yes, apparently she was not alone.
She discovered that anyone regardless of age, gender, identity, race, religion and socio-economic status can fall into the toxic relationship trap. Even though they appeared like a happy, successful couple to others, this couldn’t be further from the truth.
Undermining
Dr. Lilian Glass from an article in Time Magazine explains how a relationship with belittling and undermining of another is a sign of an unhealthy situation. A relationship should be one of building one another up, a reciprocal understanding to want their partner to feel good about themselves, as often as possible.
Unhealthy competition
Undermining one another can lead to an almost toxic type of competition. As in Women’s Health Magazine, a good partner will feel happy for you and your accomplishments, but if you find yourself hiding or lying about achievements for fear of repercussions, sulkiness and jealousy, then it’s time to consider the value of this relationship.
Feeling a loss of hope
This loss of hope, or ‘giving up’ and ‘resigning’ to the way of the relationship is another sign of toxicity. Jennifer feels the need to lay down and rest immediately after her partner leaves for the day following a cyclone of insults and abuse would be a testament to the exhaustion and desolate way she feels.
Loss of spark
Jennifer’s family and friends started to notice the lack of joy she once beamed with. She began to feel insecure around others and would second-guess everything about herself. She lost her self-esteem. Dr. Terri Orbuch explains how one of the most common doubts in relationships is not being ‘enough’ for the relationship. Not being attractive, sexy or fun enough can diminish self-esteem over time. Dr. Orbuch also states that often a partner is responsible for this self-doubt.
Criticizing your family and friends
I’ve personally seen this many times, one person constantly criticizing their partner’s family or friends. It’s usually done with a feigned concern over your well-being, stating they aren’t good enough for you, that they’re ‘losers’ etc; This is master deception and one of the strongest red flags I have seen. It’s a red flag that should raise your suspicions immediately. I’ve always told my children that once their partner attempts to undermine their family and good friends, it becomes time to reconsider that relationship. This is one of the most dangerous red flags.
Dr. Glass mentions that although a toxic relationship can often be mired in inequalities, it could alternatively be the result of a ‘bad pairing’.
Sometimes a lack of cohesion can lead to an unhealthy situation such as pairing a sarcastic personality trait with a sensitive type. Or two people who both want ‘control’ of the relationship would also cause conflict.
I believe it’s important from time to time for everyone to reaccess their relationships to ensure it’s on equal grounding with mutual respect. Then there are times when it’s best to start working on an escape plan to end the relationship.
In time, Jennifer ended the relationship. She became more aware of the negative treatment she was receiving from her partner, she was beginning to ‘hear’ her friends and families concerns and she began to take care of herself first. By working on her self-esteem and doing activities she enjoyed she gained the strength to move forward. She found that life is more than her relationship. Once she ended that relationship the freedom she felt brought back her spark for life once again.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: noah eleazar on Unsplash